God Is Still Faithful

Hi everyone! It has been a while since the last time I wrote in English, and I felt that I wanted to share this one in English. For something personal like this, it is more comfortable to write in English because, whether we want to admit it or not, there are some people who think that sharing personal life is man-centered. I think it depends on the purpose, but well, it would be too time- and effort-consuming to convince people of the opposite, so I will just share this one.

So, yes, for some of you who have been following my life journey, it has been 17.5 years so far that I have been waiting for God to give me what I have been praying for. There have been countless times when I entered the cycle of wondering, questioning, doubting, and asking again because the issue is still the same, but it still hasn’t come to fulfillment after all these years. It is human nature to question things when we have been waiting so long for something and it still hasn’t happened. Probably some of you reading this are experiencing it too. So, I hope this can encourage and strengthen you in your journey too.

A month ago, I entered the same cycle again, and it was tough. At that time, I wanted to quit and wondered if maybe God wanted me to stay single. The question isn’t new for me. I have already questioned it for more than two decades. At that time, I didn’t mind if I didn’t marry because marriage isn’t a life purpose. Marriage is a life phase in which we serve and glorify God through family. As we know, Jesus and the Apostle Paul didn’t marry either.

Yet after praying about it, an unexpected thing happened that brought me to almost another two decades of waiting. I wonder if it can be written into a new book, lol. To make the story short, this time I prayed again and waited for an answer about how to proceed. Like the last cycle, I heard nothing. Even worse, I didn’t see any posts or anything that could encourage me to keep waiting, nor anything that encouraged me to stay single. So, there was nothing.

Sharing this may open me up to being judged, since I already experienced it in the last cycle when I wrote about it, but I don’t live to perform for or satisfy people’s expectations of how I should live. More than people’s validation, I think it is necessary to share life experiences honestly because many singles out there may be experiencing the same thing. Even those who aren’t single may experience it too, but in different areas of life.

We all have our own problems, don’t we? I am sure not all of us who pray will get an answer right away. So, nothingness, not hearing anything, not seeing any verses to encourage or strengthen us, not finding any posts to support us or give us any direction, is not a sign that God isn’t with us.

“And the LORD, He is the one who goes before you. He will be with you, He will not leave you nor forsake you; do not fear nor be dismayed.” (Deuteronomy 31:8)

“Be dismayed” here comes from the original Hebrew word chathath (תֵחָֽת׃), which can mean dismayed, discouraged, terrified, shattered, etc. But I read something interesting in the lexical summary too: chathath can be interpreted as “break down,” either by violence (literally) or by confusion and fear (figuratively).

This verse came to me just now while I was typing this post, and somehow it encouraged me too. So, yes, no matter whether we have received an answer to our prayers yet, it doesn’t matter. God is still with us.

Probably some people have the perspective that if God answers us a certain way in the past, He will definitely do the same thing the next time. It isn’t guaranteed. Even if we read the Bible, for example, Moses saw the burning bush once and then God spoke to him (Exodus 3), but his next experience of meeting and talking with God wasn’t through the same experience.

Anyway, I will continue my story. So, I went through probably a week with nothing. After a week, suddenly, out of nowhere, bam! I saw a post from someone I didn’t know at all. The username was African. They posted something that was exactly what I had repeatedly received years ago.

Mostly, the encouragement I received during these repeated cycles was about Abraham. When I read Abraham’s story, one thing I received was a warning not to try to fulfill God’s will in our own way. I was surprised to read the post because it was exactly what I had received for years: the warning.

Marriage is something I can do with any man, not necessarily a specific person, if what I want is only to have a family and one or more children. However, doing that would mean taking my own way to fulfill God’s will.

There have been countless times when I have asked God if I was wrong in interpreting what I should do with my life. However, even after so many years of prayer, the answer remains the same.

Marriage is a serious thing, even the second most important decision in life that everyone must make after salvation. Between being married and not being married (living as a single person), probably being single has less risk because by living single, we only have to consider what we must do, want, prefer, etc. Marrying, on the other hand, has more risk because choosing the wrong person means choosing a hell on earth. Marrying someone means we will consider and prioritize what our spouse wants and prefers over ourselves. So, the whole time, I think being single isn’t too bad. Choosing the wrong person is worse.

If God told me I was wrong the whole time, that He wanted me to stay single, I might be disappointed because I had already wasted so much time that I could never get back. But I would also be relieved because the waiting would be over. However, that wasn’t the case, lol.

The next possibility was that I might be wrong to think that the specific person was someone God had chosen for me. That was a tough one because if God wanted me to marry someone and I was wrong about what I had heard, not only had I already wasted so much time, but I would also have to find the right one. Oh, my!

But the question is, if I was wrong about that, why didn’t God point me to the right one? After almost two decades, it was such a long time.

The right spouse isn’t simply someone who shares the same religion. Much more than religion, we must find similarities in values, visions, and hearts, not only in general things, but also spiritually. It isn’t an easy quest. It is probably easier to measure a person’s net worth than their heart. Many people may look for someone who is rich, but not all rich people can be good spouses.

I am not saying that money isn’t important, but character matters more. A person can have so many things but still be stingy with his wife and family. I see many people like that. It would be hard to be happy when everything is measured by money.

Okay, I am back to the topic, lol. After the unexpected warning post, one or two days later, I read another post. This time, it was from Indonesia. I was grateful to whoever wrote it. They said that we might often pray to ask for something and wait to get what we prayed for, but do we pray for the readiness to accept what we prayed for? Do we ask God what we must prepare in order to receive what we are asking for?

It was a good thing. The moment I read it, I prayed about it and received an answer immediately, lol. Probably I will receive more things to prepare for later, but it is better than nothing.

Later, probably a few days or one or two weeks later, I read another post. This time, it was either from the US or Europe. The post was about Joseph. It highlighted something that we have already read repeatedly, but probably missed. It said that Joseph spent two more years in jail because the chief cupbearer forgot his promise to Joseph that when he was released from jail, he would mention Joseph to Pharaoh so that he could be released from prison (Genesis 40:14).

The poster later highlighted the significance of those two years. Yes, Joseph spent two years longer in prison because the chief cupbearer forgot his promise. It seemed like two years of prolonged suffering.

However, if Joseph had left the jail back then and hadn’t stayed for those two additional years, he probably wouldn’t have been put in charge of the whole of Egypt and would have missed so many of God’s plans for him. Well, God surely could have chosen someone else to help His people back then, even if Joseph hadn’t been in Egypt. But if that had been the case, we wouldn’t read Joseph’s story in the Bible.

I don’t know yet the significance of the almost two decades I have spent waiting, but probably one day I will find out about it. However, I am grateful that God is still faithful.

Everything is still the same. Nothing has changed. But knowing that God is still with me, even when I was entering that repeated cycle, is a huge encouragement.

I don’t know what you are experiencing lately. Maybe you have a financial problem. Who knows? Maybe you have been waiting to have a child after so many years of marriage and trying to conceive. It is possible that, like me, you are still waiting to meet your spouse. Perhaps you are struggling with physical illness or mental health issues and praying for healing.

We can always come to Jesus with all of our struggles. We can pour out our hearts before Him without fear of judgment because He is good. He is faithful.

Probably we expect to know the future. We may wish that we could know what will happen later, but step by step, this is the life we must live. There is a reason why God didn’t show us the whole picture beforehand because if He did, we would be overwhelmed (John 16:12).

So, no matter how hard it is, let’s trust His heart even though we may not always see His hand. We may not see what He is doing right now or what He has prepared for us, but we can always believe in His goodness and faithfulness. Amen!

God bless.

PS:

I have read so many horror stories that the horror isn’t about ghosts, but about violence and terror in marriage. Not only did the husbands (or sometimes the wives, although there were only a few cases involving wives) beat their wives, but they also made their wives become smaller versions of themselves.

I prefer not to marry at all if I must become someone else or shrink myself just to make my husband feel more comfortable. From so many stories I have read, these husbands beat their wives because either they were frustrated with their lives or were mentally unwell, and they wanted to control and destroy their wives.

It isn’t the end of the story, since violence in marriage isn’t only physical violence. There are more subtle forms of violence: mental and verbal abuse. Those who shared their stories described similar things: they had to change themselves to make their husbands more comfortable. It wasn’t about adapting their values, but more about changing their personalities.

When I read those stories, I didn’t get it. I mean, if these husbands wanted someone with certain characteristics, why did they marry their wives only to force them to change their personalities? Why should we buy a cube only to change it into a cylinder? It didn’t make sense at all! If we want a cylinder, just buy a cylinder.

In some of the stories I read, the wives were cheerful, outgoing, etc., but their husbands expected them to be quieter, less outgoing, etc. I was mad and sad at the same time when I read such stories because so many couples experienced this.

The stories didn’t end there. Many women had already resigned from their jobs and become fully financially dependent on their husbands, but then their husbands either couldn’t fulfill their needs, scolded their wives for even small expenses, or were stingy with money while having more than enough. These wives had to beg their husbands for daily necessities like beggars.

The saddest thing was that after they had already left everything and endured so many things for the marriage, their husbands betrayed them and cheated on them.

There were many insecure husbands who felt they were losing their pride when their wives were more brilliant, wealthier, more successful, etc. So these husbands would belittle their wives, control them until the husbands were the only people they had left, and then cheat on them while still blaming their wives for the infidelity.

As if that weren’t enough, there were also problems with in-laws. I read that marriage is a sanctifying institution, but the horror stories were scary indeed.

I didn’t write all these things to discourage singles from getting married, but knowing and praying about who we will marry is crucial. With so many things that can go wrong, it is important to pray about it.

I have also read several beautiful stories about marriage, mostly about the loyalty and love of people who have been married for decades. However, if I must make a comparison, I find the horror stories much easier to come across than the happy stories.

Probably it is the responsibility of all churches to prepare more solid marriage preparation classes and also have stricter consultation and screening before marriage to save people from making mistakes that could affect their lives, because there are people who shouldn’t get married at all, i.e. those who are unfit for marriage.